Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Oh hai

So basically I've already uploaded this shit up on Chictopia and I'm tired and not sure how people manage to have a blog and a lookbook and Chictopia and a tumblr and a Style Diary and...you know what I'm saying. I suppose in lieu of yesterday's post I've answered my own question: I suck at this shit because it is fucking exhausting.

Anyway, here's what I've managed:


This is my serious face, reminding you that faux flannel is serious business.


Flower makes you smile, yes?


Flower makes me sneeze a little.


I am excellent at pretending to hold a camera. Life skills, people. Life skills.

I need to do laundry if I am going to continually feed into this narcissism. I wonder if that's incentive enough?

...maybe.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Well this is awkward


I think that maybe all my life I have been in some way or another an outsider. I never felt that way before, or even really considered that before, but now that I have had time to stop and reflect, I'm beginning to believe that this is true.

I have no idea how to use social networking. I don't even know if it's rewarding in any meaningful way, but I miss having friends. I mean, I miss having good friends. There are so few people that I've felt I was actually part of their inner circle, and none of them are near me anymore. The people I've met are wonderful and new, but it doesn't feel the same with them. When I call to ask if they want to hang out, the answer is often no. And if I don't call, nothing happens.


And I'm always the new kid introduced to the social circle. I'm inserted into a pre-existing group that already has their dynamics worked out, they all know each other and the people they talk about. I can't contribute much that has any social currency because I'm not really a part of them. Not yet, one could say, but...it really never gets to that point.

With blogging, Facebook, this new Chictopia thing, Youlookfab, io9, every social networking community or forum I join I'm just somehow not really a part of it. I wonder if it's self-imposed, sometimes. It's so consistent, it must be something to do with me and the way I interact with people. I guess I'm not very active. But typically I'm not active because I'm ignored. Youlookfab is the exception here, but the demographic is mostly middle-aged women who are fantastic and sweet, but are not people I relate to. People I would love to get to know seem to have limited interest in me.


Maybe I'm better one on one or something. I don't know. It's just so hard to meet people and find that connection. It seems like everyone I respect deeply and would love to be significant to do not really feel the same. Except Daniel. Maybe that's why I attach myself so strongly to boyfriends, because they're the only ones who seem like they care about me as much as I care about them. But that's shitty, because I really crave friendship. A good friendship, like a "best friends" thing, someone you can call at all hours to go walking around with, or someone you can crash with when you're feeling fucked up.

I don't want to appear needy, but I think in reality I am. I'm so insecure for no reason. I just don't have that anymore. It's funny to hear people say "you're so lucky to have such a good relationship!" when they can't see how lucky they are to have a safety net of friends. I supposed we both appreciate what we have, but that sense of lack is so much more acute.


I understand friendship takes work. And I want to put in that work! I just feel like it's a one-way street a lot of the time, and I'm much more earnest in pursuing it than the other hypothetical person. They're already preoccupied with people who ARE important to them, with people who already interest them. I feel like a hanger-on. Either I don't relate, or I'm simply less important. I am consistently on the outside of the clique. But I guess I'm just so anonymous that I don't even get attached to the "outsiders." It's this kind of horrible social limbo that leaves me at home alone when I would be so much happier in the company of others.

I don't think I define myself through other people, it's just that I'm lonely. I don't like being a part of a huge group of people but I don't like being a loner. It's easy being an outsider when you have other people with you, you know? God I fucking hate the way that sounds. I hate wanting this so much. I hate needing people.


It's not even that I'm socially inept, I have no idea what my problem is. Maybe I'm just looking in all the wrong places. Or maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe I should just burn my bridges and get over it, or maybe my self-loathing is more apparent than I thought it was. That can't be very attractive.

Why are we all so fucking unhappy?

Oh yes, um, hi, I'm still here

Oh, p90x, the topic that has dominated this blog for the past 10 days (or the past 10 days while I was still in the blogosphere)? Ahahahaha, um. That. I'm putting it off until January. Partially because I'm a lazy ho, mostly because I messed up for 3 days in a row and I can't handle jumping back in when I skipped that many workouts, and following the same neuroses I don't want to diet and alternately pork out on the holidays. So I'm waiting for them to pass. SHUT UP. >_<>:(

ANYWAY, back to more interesting stuff. I am now on Chictopia! So I can go be MIA for months on end and then post one or two pics every so often on that website and this one! I am pretty fucking brilliant. Yes I'm feeling somewhat jaded with this whole internet thing, but I'm kind of loving it anyway. I don't know why I think my experiences on that site will be any different than this blog, but there you go. I am here as per usual. I'm not sure whether I'll post both on Chictopia and here; I am very lazy...

Meh I might as well post here anyway. At least I'll always have this blog, I may not always have that account.

Rodarte F/W 2009 is my inspiration. Pretty pretty dystopian futurism. Daniel and I call this the "zombie stomper" outfit. I LOVE IT. I want those freaking boots.....


And here is my loose interpretation of it with the clothes I have on hand. SWORD Lucca jacket (Oh my god, is my love for this jacket truly unending? I think it is), black "jeans" (they are way to freaking cheap to actually be considered denim), Diesel pumps, white tank top and fabulous chunky knit scarf from Urban Outfitters. It's really more grey in real life, the green tones kind of came out to play for some reason.

God I look so sad! Or something? I am not terribly photogenic.


I feel like these things turn out better when I don't look at the camera.


It's cool, you can totally be jealous of this jacket. I'm jealous of this jacket. I believe it has achieved a kind of perfection, perhaps not unlike Plato's Absolutes.


A ha, I am so coy! That CHAPTER ring makes me so effing happy!!

So, successful day on the outfit front. Let's see how many more of those I can manage? I need to challenge myself with something. It's kind of depressing when people ask, "hobbies?" and my only (truthful) answer is "fashion."

Oh and also I changed the layout. Yayz!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

p90x: Day 10

Okay! So since yesterday = utter fail today was Cardio! Okay, cardio is my super favorite. I worked extra hard to make up for yesterday (plus I was feeling particularly aggressive) and it feels sooooo good to work. I guess I just like that kind of movement.

I also got the cutest pair of sneakers ever! But unfortunately they were a half size too big. :( So I'm exchanging them. Once I get the new pair, pictures! They make me smile just looking at them. :)

Food wise was...not perfect today. My friend took me to Santa Cruz Diner and I had 2 links of sausage, 2 slices of bacon and 3/4 of a big ass waffle. With syrup and butter. Mmmm....

I didn't eat lunch since I wasn't hungry...although I did eat candy...but dinner was 6oz of tofu and 4 pieces of asparagus! Yum! Delicious! And then I worked out, and then I had a banana and some string cheese. So I'll try to get back on track tomorrow.

I've determined that I'm going to be largely cooking only chicken and fish as far as meat goes. I just suck at red meat and it makes me paranoid and I don't know how to make it taste good and I just end up throwing it out. Tofu is not scary. Chicken is kind of icky, but not scary. Fish is delicious and only scary in my fear of overcooking it. So while I love red meat, I'm going to leave that to chefs and cooks elsewhere. And maybe fish as well, since it's so expensive I might as well just eat out for that too.

Anyway! No breakdown today either because I'm lazy and watching The IT Crowd. See you tomorrow~!

p90x: Day 9

Today (well yesterday) was a COMPLETE and utter fail. I didn't work out, and I didn't eat on diet.

...There's not a lot more to say on that one. I'm just going to continue the workout as per usual as if I hadn't skipped the day (and bumping the workouts one day behind) and instead of stretching on Sunday I'll do the final workout.

Yep!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Where the Wild Things Are


Well, I saw Where the Wild Things Are a few hours ago, and I felt like sharing my thoughts. I just ripped my super-long comment from io9 with a few edits, although since this is my blog now and I no longer have any real desire to make this civil, there's a little bit of rant in here.

I got a very different read off this movie than many people did (most felt it was extremely nihilistic, depressing and pointless). Personally, it gave me a similar feeling as that of the book. Max is a brat, he goes to Where the Wild Things Are, becomes discontent and then goes home feeling relieved and renewed to find that he still has a mother that loves him and still has a place to come home to.

Other than the direction Eggers and Jonze took with the Wild Things, they kind of just fleshed it out with more gruesome details of growing up. I personally felt that his journey to WTWTA became a learning experience, that people are just going to be what they are and not being comfortable with yourself makes matters worse. Even though Carol's response to "I'm Max" was "well that's not very much," I felt like it became a turning point for him. No, it's not a lot to other people. But it will make you happier if you accept that, and make other people easier to deal with. After that moment, he goes home, and finds comfort there after facing the hardships he knows he'll have to deal with in coming to terms with other people, who are generally shitty. His mother loves him no matter what, she'll stay up late waiting for him and still have warm dinner for him: it's an affirmation that he'll be accepted by the people he does care about, just by being himself.

I thought the music and visuals were fantastic, and furthermore the scenes with the Wild Things themselves resonated with me. Their emotional reactions to meaningless things like throwing dirt clods or playing favorites or not stepping on someone's head because it would give them the satisfaction of martyrdom resonate with me, because I've been in circumstances where people have acted like that, and pared down in this way you realize how stupid those situations are.

No, Max does not make things better for the Wild Things. He didn't in the book either. Maybe they became better after he left because they learned how to be comfortable with themselves, maybe they didn't. In the book, they were still the same Wild Things after he left (although to be honest, it really doesn't matter if this movie "stayed true" to the book, for obvious reasons). For me, what happened to them wasn't really even the point. They were just archetypes for Max to learn to cope with, and his version of coping was, "fuck them, I'm just going to be Max." Personally, I like that message.

I understand the whole, "well it's adapted from a kid's book, why isn't it a kid's movie?" logic, but why can't a kid's book be adapted into an adult movie? Especially a kid's book whose original audience is now all grown up? Seriously. It's Eggers and Jonze. You must be joking. I can't even work up enough spite to properly voice how irritating it is that people follow that train of thought. Use your fucking brains, people. DAVE EGGERS. SPIKE JONZE. Even knowing the basic gist of the kinds of movies Jonze has directed and the kinds of books Eggers has written should have been sounding alarm bells off in your hollow little heads. And even if you live under a rock and have NEVER heard of either of these people or their work, maybe all the hype about this movie and how maybe it's NOT good for kids should have been enough? Shouldn't you be reading reviews for the movies you take your small children to anyway instead of mindlessly consuming what is marketed at their target demographic (which leads me to a small tangent, which is that marketing this as a children's movie was misleading, so maybe I should be a little less harsh on some of the thoughtless humans that spawn kids these days)?

And people. Adaptation and Being John Malkovich were CHARLIE KAUFMAN. Jonze directed them, he did not write them. This is ostensibly the first movie he's ever co-written as far as I know (I haven't checked IMDb to be sure). Please, separate the two if you can spare the brain power. They are not the same person. WTWTA is not a continuation of Jonze's typical themes because the themes in the aforementioned films were not his. Also, if you had ever read Eggers you would realize that he had a very heavy hand in the script, which does not read like a Kaufman script. The cinematic style is obviously comparable, but the form that the content takes is very different. BLARGH end of nerd rage.

I dunno, I didn't quite get the same nihilistic feeling from this movie as so many others did. And I guess if an indie rock musical score = too much hipster, then you're going to go into this movie hating it anyway. I am so fucking tired of someone shouting "HIPSTER!!" and then everyone else around them going "YEAH FUCK THAT." What the fuck do you mean? What kind of defense is that? It's the same as seeing someone reading some obscure hard scifi and going "NERD!!" It's the most poisonous kind of bandwagoning that will actually keep people from experiencing something they may like for fear of being labeled something the cool kids spurn ("cool kids" being in reference to your personal peer group, I don't necessarily mean the societal zeitgeist of "cool"). It leaves a sour taste in my mouth just thinking of people like that.

ANYWAY. All in all, I didn't absolutely lovelovelove the movie, but I liked it a lot and I was very glad I saw it. It was beautiful, striking, thought-provoking and felt very real to me. It reminded me of the book in a lot of ways, but maybe I was just a fucked up kid. Go see it, and if you hate it, you are absolutely welcome to and now you actually have your very own opinion about it! Isn't that magical? Now shut the fuck up already.

Monday, October 26, 2009

p90x: Day 8

And the cycle continues! Back to core today...I almost started cardio because I would have preferred that, but hey, you gotta do core!

I didn't work as hard this week as I did last week. There are a couple reasons for that. First off my day started pretty badly, so to feel better about it I went out to eat...and went 100% off-diet. XD And then my day got better, I saw Where the Wild Things Are (loved it, I felt it was true to the book's spirit personally), ate a shit ton of popcorn and then did my exercise at 9pm. >_<

So I was a little off-track today, but the point is I still did it, I sweat, I got shakey and I'm tired, so fuck it, workout = done. :p

For food I ate pear and gorgonzola with candied walnuts on whole wheat sourdough with a side salad and popcorn. :p Shut the hell up. It was delicious. However I have to say, I felt sick afterward...I'm probably not going to be going so far off the diet again. The temptation really lies in the feeling of restriction, not the food itself. Now that I know how it makes me feel, I'm probably not going to be all that tempted again...

Except Halloween because you're supposed to get sick off candy. :p What? it's my favorite holiday! Next to Christmas (presents! money! food!). I will also note the popcorn was delicious.

I'm not even going to bother with a breakdown today, it was like 6 servings of carbs and that's it. :p Somewhat similar to my "normal" diet...

Anyhoo, tomorrow is cardio! Hopefully I'll work a little harder then.